Looking for one book to improve your business, relationships, and life? I cannot recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, enough. This book will teach you the one skill that is always in demand in any business or personal setting, the skill of being a people person.

Dale Carnegie was a master people person. In this book, he shares everything that he learned.  This book will teach you how to handle people, how to make them like you, how to win people over to your way of thinking, and how to be a leader.

Handling people is one of the skills that makes a great people person. Without it, one often finds people to be obstinate and challenging. Carnegie demonstrates that the easiest way to handle people is to arouse in the other person an eager want. Remembering that nobody ever does anything without wanting to do it themselves will make your life much easier. Get someone to want what you want, and you are on your way. “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in our ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from our own,” Henry Ford (p.35.)

Making people like you depends on many skills. The easiest is probably to be genuinely interested in other people, and to listen while encouraging others to talk about themselves. Of course, becoming genuinely interested in other people means that you like other people. You can’t expect someone else to like you if you don’t like him or her back. Publilus Syrus said, “We are interested in others when they are interested in us (p.61.)” When you care about the other person, they are more willing to open up. Listening to other people is also important, especially when you can get them to talk about themselves. Everyone’s favorite topic of conversation is himself or herself, so if you want them to like you, do not waste your time trying to steer the conversation to you. Be a good listener and appreciate the other person, and they will like you.

A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation (p.88.)

Now when you want to start influencing people, the fun really begins. Remember the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. As much as I am loath to admit it (and my family would agree,) even if I “win”when I argue with people, I never really win. As Benjamin Franklin said, “If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will (p.112.)” If these words don’t encourage me to argue less, I don’t know what will.

To bring others around to your point of view, do as Socrates did and get them

to say yes a couple of times. After they say it once they are more likely to say it again. But if they say no to something at first they are much more likely to continue saying it. Get them to make small concessions up front, that make the big asks more palatable down the road. The Chinese have a saying, “he who treads softly goes, far (p.149.)” It is also important when seeking to influence someone to let them do most of the talking. Often they will convince themselves of your point of view, or give you the ammunition you need to convince them. So pay attention, shut your mouth, and things get much easier.

Do you want to know the one sentence you can say that will disarm another person and make them willing to hear your point of view? It is quite simple. “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do, (p.167.)” As Henry Ford said, seeing through the eyes of the other person makes life much easier to manage and influence.

Being a leader means having to handle people, getting them to like you, and winning them over to your way of thinking. The best ways to do that are to begin with praise and honest appreciation and to give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. People hate to be criticized; it puts them on the defensive. They will be unwilling to listen to anything you have to say once you begin with criticizing. But as a leader you will often have to critique your followers to get them to change. To do this, start by complimenting them honestly for what they have done or about them, and then state your criticisms. You will butter the person up and they will be more likely to accept your criticism.

Have you ever heard the phrase “Fake it till you make it?”  It works both ways, if you would like a follower to exhibit a certain trait act like they already have it. Tell them they are honest, and they will try to remain honest to not lose your trust. Tell them they are lazy, and that is what they will become. People don’t want good opinions of themselves to be wrong, so they will do their best to live up to them. There is an old saying, “Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him (p. 224.)” Don’t give your employees and followers a bad name, give them a good name to live up to, and you will be very impressed.

The principles in this book are simple, obvious and easy-to-follow. Yet, most people forget them most of the time. I know I do. But if we improve on them a little bit at a time, every day, we can truly become great people people. I hope you read this book, and learn even more of the principles of influencing people and making friends. However, if all you do is take the advice I have summarized here, you will be well on your way. Keep reading, and enjoy the journey of your life.